Loss of Libido: How to Deal with Low Desire

Lack of libido in a long-term relationship is a common complaint, according to sex therapists. It isn’t surprising given that most of us are juggling work, friends and family. Finding the time and energy to feel sexy and passionate can be a challenge. ‘Sometimes sex can feel like just another thing on our ‘to do’ list, says Val Sampson, co-author of How To Have Great Sex For The Rest Of Your Life. When you’ve been together for a while it can be hard to maintain the sexual intensity you shared at the outset. ‘The initial lust and hormonal frenzy only lasts for around 18 months’.

A low sex drive is perfectly normal and affects most of us at some point. It is only a problem if one or both of you are unhappy with the situation. If that is the case then you may want to get professional advice.

Physical Or Psychological Causes

Firstly, if it has been going on for longer than six months, see your GP to rule out any physical problem. Possible causes of low libido include low testosterone levels, the Pill, breast-feeding, anti-depressants and too much alcohol. Psychological causes include depression, exhaustion, addictions, and stress and relationship issues. In these cases, counselling and sex therapy can help.

Lifestyle Changes to Improve Your Libido

The brain is our biggest sex organ. If you are not feeling turned on upstairs then you won’t be downstairs. Make the decision to be committed to your erotic life. Get into the habit of fantasising regularly. Read erotic literature. Pay attention to situations and encounters and notice what makes you think about sex. Pleasure yourself and wear clothes that make you feel good. Self-esteem is a big part of feeling sensual.

Explore your passions out of the bedroom. How do you spend your time together? Are there new activities you can do to bring something fresh to the relationship? This renewed energy will translate to the bedroom.

It Takes Two to Tango

Dancing works the pelvic area, which is great for stirring up sexual energy. The positive effect of Argentinian Tango on libido and couples' communication is a current area of research. During swimming, we lose heat, which releases the sex hormone noradrenaline into the bloodstream. Work your PC muscles to increase blood flow to the genital area and enhance sexual sensation and orgasm for you both.

Vary your diet and introduce different foods to sensitise your taste buds. Dr Robert Fried and Lynn Elden-Nezin, authors of Great Food, Great Sex recommend a diet high in complex carbohydrates, antioxidants and fruit and vegetables to boost your sex drive. Oily fish boosts circulation, which improves erections, and Soya increases vaginal lubrication.

Explore herbal medicines such as damiana, ginseng, gingko biloba and dong quai reputation - all thought to be aphrodisiacs. Ask a qualified herbalist for advice on herbs for libido.

Some aromatherapy oils stimulate the pituitary gland, which if inactive, causes low libido. Jasmine and Ylang Ylang contain indole, a molecule, which improves sexual function. Scent goes straight to the oldest part of the brain, the limbic system, which controls our emotion and memory, says Elisabeth Millar, author of The Fragrant Veil.

Try acupuncture – ‘There is a powerful acupuncture point four fingers above the ankle that is very nourishing and great for increasing sexual energy,’ says London-based acupuncturist Julia Exposito.

Sex drive fluctuates throughout the month according to hormones and the reproductive cycle, how busy you are, and your stress levels. This is perfectly normal. If you are concerned about your (or your partner's libido) talk about it and seek professional advice. Make some lifestyle changes and experiment with diet and exercise. Feeling healthy, fit and positive is the first step to having a healthy sex life.

Resources

How To Have Great Sex For The Rest Of Your Life, by Val Sampson and Julia Cole, Piatkus 2004. Val Sampson runs workshops for women on libido - see her website Relight My Fire.

Great Food, Great Sex, by Robert L Fried and Lynn Edlen-Nezin (Ballantine Books, 2006.

May 19, 2008 6:48 PM

katiesmommy :

I've discovered also that a strict Christian upbringing that teaches you to believe that sex is dirty and the body is evil can cause a low sex drive in both men and women. This can lead to guilt and anxiety in the bedroom, plus you feel as though God will punish you with death and/or Hell every time you enjoy having an orgasm during sex. Think about it: When we are little, we are told not to touch our genitals, so we grow up believing that our genitals are bad and dirty. And when we become teenagers, while we are struggling with puberty and hormones, we are expected to save ourselves for marriage and not masturbate, think about sex, or even fantasize about members of the opposite sex. As young adults, if we still haven't gotten married yet, masturbation and premarital sex are still forbidden, and so are fantasies, Romance novels, and other sexually explicit materials, even R-rated movies. Perhaps if Christianity didn't force us to suppress what comes naturally to us as human beings while expecting us to enjoy our God-given sexuality without offering us any alternatives to masturbation and sex at the same time, singles and couples wouldn't suffer from so much guilt, shame, and condemnation for enjoying having an orgasm, and there wouldn't be such a thing as low self-esteem and a low sex drive. Thankfully, I am one of those Christians who supports and does not condemn masturbation, because I know that masturbation is a wonderful way for both men and women to get to know their bodies and communicate their sexual needs and desires to one another in the bedroom. I also know that genital play and body exploration is a normal and healthy part of growing up and a great way for Christian teenagers to save themselves for marriage, and it is not something that should be shamed or condemned.

Oct 20, 2008 11:15 PM

Guest :

I'd like your input on this:
I'm living with a man who I've been with 3 years. He is 18 yrs older and his sex drive is lower than mine. We get along good and enjoy sex most of the time, but lately something happens which is not new. I feel neglected because he doesn't 'want' me enough or seek me out for sex or cuddling. I don't know how to keep quiet so I told him he was old and has a low sex drive and now he's mad.
So I don't know how to say it and when I say what I want, I don't get all that I want and I'm 'starving' for attention and affection.
Any advice? (help!)

Dec 1, 2008 1:51 PM

Guest :

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