Friends With Benefits - Who Really Wins?
Why Non-Commitment Relationships are a Bust for Women
Apr 9, 2009
On social networking sites geared towards unmarried middle-aged adults, the question of FWB often crops up. The concept was made popular by the Baby Boomer generation ( those born between 1945 and 1961). Boomers were known for their "free love" anti-establishment movement in the 1960s, and subsequently for their greed in the 1980s, earning the nickname of the "me" generation.
Dangerous Consequences of FWB
But promoters of FWB don't acknowledge the consequences that women disproportionately suffer in anything smacking of a sexual free-for-all. In FWB arrangements, it is not the men who risk unwanted or high risk pregnancies.
Decades of legal and political assaults on Roe v. Wade , limited funding, and reliable contraceptive options jeopardizes many women. Women with pre-existing health conditions are barred from being able to get the Pill. Women over age 40 are barred from the Pill owing to mid-life pre-existing conditions, while also lacking the resources to pay for tubal ligation surgery. The IUD is an option, but it is not covered by most insurance. Its cost at $700 puts it out of reach for poorer women over age 40 — those who can least afford to risk an unwanted pregnancy that is far more physically dangerous.
Unwanted Pregnancy Not the Only Problem
Sex causes pregnancy. Pregnancy and childbirth become much more dangerous for the woman as maternal health risks skyrocket exponentially past age 40. Many women over age 40 have suffered irreversible damage to their health, including permanent disability and even death as a direct consequence of mid-life pregnancy. These are hazards faced by the pregnant middle-aged woman, who are easily disposable in FWB situations. Under the best of circumstances where a woman over age 40 has the support of a caring spouse, the maternal health and death risks are bad enough.
For any woman where pregnancy is too dangerous but where there's no options in contraceptives for her, she is too vulnerable outside of a commitment. Sex without commitment or responsibility for the health and well-being of the woman is precisely what FWB is. It's too easy for the man to walk away.
For women, the risk of abandonment in the event of unplanned and/or high risk pregnancy is too high in FWB arrangements. For men, FWB means getting to have their cake and eat it too — without any consequences.
Men Reap the Reward of FWB Without Any Risk.
Critics say that FWB is a tired concept of promsicuity without consequence and that it's a contradiction of terms. Critics see FWB as a nothing more than a "booty call": a situation where both parties have no one special, but aren't special to each other. They have sex while waiting for what they really want. This leads to problems on many levels. Broken hearts, wasted time, emotional energy, shattered dreams, and even financial devastation occur regularly in the "relationship" of FWB.
The defining parameters of a commitment removes significant ambiguity. It's no guarantee against the relationship failing, but it clearly defines the boundaries of responsibility which provides access to recourse in the event one of the parties is harmed by the other.
But once you experience the 'benefits' with someone, he or she is no longer 'just a friend.' There are differences between 'lover' and 'friend.' Sexual intimacy differentiates one from the other.
Many feel that those deliberately seeking out someone to have sex with that they have no intention of committing to is not really a friend. FWB is a selfish means to an end. As men often say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" FWB is a lose-lose situation for women.
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